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7 Jan

It’s foggy this morning in Gravyville and I love it.  It makes me feel extra Jason Bourne-y.   It also seems to put a strange spin on everything.  For example, I am pretty sure I almost got ran over by an old man doing some speed walking through Walmart this morning. He was wearing one of those little Tour de France hats and had wrist bands around his calves.  He was movin’ fast and not stopping for anybody or anything.  I am also pretty sure he also had the body of a shark and the head of a mongoose—but that could be the fog talking.


How to Celebrate a Holiday

3 Sep

People have forgotten how to celebrate a holiday.  What will you be doing this Labor Day weekend?  Going out on the lake one last time?  Family BBQ?  Tackling a list of honey-dos? Blah? How about Blah Blah?  I will be doing none of those.  I know how to celebrate, so sit down and a take a lesson.

Here is my plan:

  • Sleep ‘til noon
  • Eat
  • Put final touches on life-sized papier-mâché Vader
  • Orchestrate epic battle scene between Papier-Mâché Vader and Macaroni Skywalker.
  • Bask in awesomeness.

Happy 3 day weekend eve

Tricky Meat

14 Jul

It occurred to me this morning that Meat is one tricky food.   First, it disguises itself well in nature.  I want to know who the first guy was who saw this and thought “Hey, if I start hacking away with an axe, I might end up with this  And even after we discovered meat, we knew it only as the slab for many years.  But meat adapted.  It became smarter.  It became the chameleon of the food world.  Genius move disguising itself as a loaf of bread, I mean the name wasn’t real smart– MEATloaf sorta gives it away, but still a solid idea.  Meat also started getting itself into the desert world in the form of Minced Meat pie.  Again, poor name choice—it’s like calling your secret hideout “Secret Hideout.”  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t tricky.

I can vividly remember my first slice of minced meat pie.  After having watched her cat for a week while she was on vacation, a nice neighbor lady invited me over for a “piece of pie”.   What she didn’t mention is that I would not be eating a delicious Apple Pie.  Nor would I be eating cherry, raspberry or even rhubarb.  I would be spooning lumps full of meat flavored trickery straight into my mouth.  “What in sweet heaven’s name is in this pie?” I thought to myself.  “Minced meat pie?  It can’t really be meat, can it?  Can it? A pie with meat in it? Say it ain’t so.”  But it is so.  Meat also has a way of making itself seem like meat that isn’t meat.  I’m talking to you, SPAM.  “Hey, its ok to eat me, I am like meat, but not really.”  Well, actually, that one might be a legit claim.  Who in the ham sammich knows what Spam is?  I can’t stand the stuff.  Its only redeeming quality is that delicious gelatin it comes in.  They oughtta sell that stuff by the case.   What were we talking about again?

How I almost made $1,000,000

6 May

Every once in awhile, a flash of brilliance occurs.  Opportunity knocks, and you open the door.  Your dreams become reality.  Greatness calls, and you answer.  Here’s my story:

A few years ago I was walking through the grocery store when I had a stroke of genius.   Why not make a sports drink (like Gatorade) in powder form?  Then people could make whatever volume they wanted in their own containers.  Now, I know what you are about to say, but let me continue.  This idea began to grow and I became increasingly excited.  I began thinking about what it would take to get it off the ground.  Obviously I would need someone who knew a thing or two about creating a powder compound like this—well, as luck would have it, I have a friend who is a genius chemist.  The pieces were falling into place perfectly.  I began mentally picking out which swim suit I would wear when I took my first swim in my huge silo full of gold coins.   I was excited to tell my wife and my friend about this life changing idea, and I decided the best time would be later that night when we were having dinner together. 

Dinner came, and my enthusiasm was overflowing.  At the first opportunity I proudly declared that I had a business idea that would blow their minds and change all of our lives.  As I laid out the master plan, I didn’t see excitement in their faces as I had expected.  I didn’t even see surprise.  What I saw was a mixture of confusion and pity.   They weren’t impressed–apparently powder Gatorade has been around for some time.  

They had a good laugh, and I had a good cry.  And that’s how I almost made my first million.

How to Walk through Walls

22 Feb

The University of Utah has found a way to “see through walls” using radio waves.  Incredible, right?  Very Batman.  But they sort-of stole my idea…

I can distinctly remember the day I learned about energy and waves.  Not the ocean kind of waves, but the waves that exist all around us like sound, light etc.   Naturally, my mind immediately began imagining what it might be like to be small enough to ride on the swells of a light ray.  The answer, if you are wondering, is that it would be awesome!  A bit later, I concluded that all matter must be made up of waves– I don’t remember if I learned this somewhere, or if I made the assumption.  Either way, it’s irrelevant, the result is what matters.

Stop and let that soak in for a minute…Everything is made up of waves.  Everything.  The world literally became a non-stop roller coaster for the miniature man living in my imagination.  But it gets better.  With the help of an older neighbor kid, I developed a theory that the only thing differentiating all matter is the frequency with which its waves “move.” Based on this, our natural hypothesis was that with practice you could teach yourself to move with the same frequency as a wall and therefore walk through it.   The logic is still sound:  if you move your body at the same frequency as a wall’s waves, then you can walk through it. It’s simple, really.  As you might assume, we never made it through a wall.  We made it into several, but never through.  I don’t blame the logic though, I blame our commitment.   Sure, we walked, zig zagging back and forth like a couple of drunkards with our knee caps removed for a week or two trying to figure out the right frequency.  We even tried walking into different types of walls hoping to get the movement just right.  But we got tired, and we gave up after a week or two.  We also got distracted by the new kid up the street with the impressive collection of Garbage Pail Kid Cards.

So, while I am impressed with the U of U’s discovery, I won’t be content until Nobel walks through the wall of my house to present me the award for my “Humans Moving like Walls” study.

Tupperware Leftovers: A Moral Dilemma

22 Feb

There is some sort of nasty food-creature growing in a Tupperware in the fridge at work. I look at it everyday. Each time I see it, I go through the same conversation in my head:

“Is that mine?”

“It LOOKS like it could be my Tupperware. Looks like it might be some leftovers, but I don’t remember bringing that to work”

“If I did bring it, why wouldn’t I have eaten it?”

“I should probably throw it away. I mean, it’s getting pretty nasty, and if it IS mine, I don’t want to be THAT guy—the one that leaves something in the fridge until hazmat has to be called in.

“Yeah, I am gonna throw it away—the whole thing. There is no saving this Tupperware now.”

“OK, here I go” (checking to make sure no one is watching) “I don’t want anyone to know it was mine though…”

“But what if it isn’t mine?” (As I am about to put it in the garbage)

“What if I am throwing away someone’s food and Tupperware?”

“Its nasty. There is mold growing on it. It needs to be thrown away.”

“That’s not my decision.”

“I’ll just put it back”

“But what if it’s mine and I put it back and it just stays there.”

(looking around to see if anyone is watching) “That’s a risk I am willing to take”

(putting it back in the fridge) “ I am just going to ignore it for now on.”

 This happens pretty much verbatim every day.  The smell is getting pretty bad which really complicates the issue.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony is Bachelor History

11 Feb

How many times can Chris feed this line to America?  Honestly.  I would love to see someone put a montage together of him saying it at the end of EVERY SINGLE season of the Bachelor.  Women of the world when will you stand up and demand something more?  Where I come from the word dramatic used to mean something.  Just once, I would love to hear Chris say “This rose ceremony will be decent, you know about like most of the other ones you have seen.  You probably oughtta check it out, but if not no big deal, we’ll still be cool.”

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