Air-Popped Thanksgiving Miracle

Yesterday started off as another great Thanksgiving. I didn’t break anything at the Turkeybowl, I talked my nephew into drinking the juice from the roasting pan (Turkey juice contains mystical powers), and I slept like a pro. A real pro.

But things took a sudden turn for the worse that evening. The memories are still so vivid. Smoke. Fire. Pain. Devastation. Confusion. Horror. My Orville Redenbacher Popcorn air popper…died. It was a smoky disaster that ultimately led to its fateful end. I guess it had popped its last kernel. All the good times we had together were gone. Gone! I went through a wide range of emotion. Denial. Anger. Frustration. Hunger.

As I walked back to the couch, playing the sad Charlie Brown song in my head, I tried not to think about the fact that I literally LOVED that machine. Like, more than a friend.

But then, in a miraculous display of Thanksgiving day proportions, it worked 5 minutes later. Revived. Reborn. It was stronger, better, more airy. I popped a bowl. Then I popped another. Then I just let it run and felt the warm air on my face. Take that disaster. In your face fateful end. Smoky death? More like smoky miracle. I was so excited I danced. I cried. I sang. I ate. I put it back in the cupboard when I was done.

Thank you, Thanksgiving, for giving me one of the greatest kitchen gadget related miracles. Ever.

Epic Fail..errr..Fall

It’s Winter Time in Gravyville. For most people that means Holidays, Snow, Elves and Chevy Chase. For me it means ice and fear. Icy fear. My record for most consecutive winter seasons with at least one slip and fall is truly admirable. My record for multiple slips in a season is even more remarkable.

I hate this. Never mind the pain of cement meets body, this topic is emotionally damaging. Why? Up until the last few years, I have always prided myself on my balance and agility. In fact, when once asked what my favorite feature is about myself, I answered “My ability to find good foot holds”. True story. Its hard to see my greatest talent literally slipping away beneath me.

The one redeeming fact here is that when I fall, I make it epic. During one fall I launched my shoe a good 25 feet into the air before hitting a snowman right in his non-existent groin. Booya Frosty.

Another fall consisted of doing the splits and face planting in a snow bank all while holding a box of donuts. The donuts remained unaffected. You can’t teach that kind of falling talent.

My most incredible fall of all was the kind of stuff cartoons are made of. It was what we in “the biz” call the “direct from feet to back aerial fall” This is exactly what it sounds like. You go straight from being on your feet to staring at the sky. No breaking your fall with your arm, a light post or an elderly bystander. Your body must also be parallel to the ground with at least 3 feet of air in between the two. To make the fall even better, my arms were full of papers and books which flew straight into the air and landed all over the parking lot. You can’t make this kind of stuff up. OK, you can, but I’m not. The only thing that would have made the fall better is if I would have been holding a box of large ripe cantaloupes or ACME anvils.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a very national Lampoon to all of you sure footed jerks. Its time for me to develop a new talent.

Mental Mash-Up

Does this happen to anyone else? You get a song in your head that is a mash-up of several other songs?

Right now it’s the theme to Law and Order mixed with Barracuda by Heart, and wrapped up with Nintendo’s classic Contra theme song. I cannot sing/hum/think any of the three songs in their entirety without reverting back to my new mash-up. Every once in awhile I start off with Law and Order and end with a sort of Smoke on the Water riff, but it always comes back to Barracuda and Contra.

Movies That Make Me Cry

Warning: This post is a little long. But c’mon people, I am bearing my soul here….

I am not afraid to admit I have cried during a movie or two in my day. ‘Land Before Time’, ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, and ‘Home Alone’ are some of my earliest cry-movie memories. I feel no shame here because those are legitimate, cry-worthy flicks. Little-foot looses his parents and your gonna tell me you can keep your composure? Harry’s sad Bigfoot eyes when Mr. Henderson tells him to he has to leave? Definite tear fuel. And of course Kevin’s almost tragically alone Christmas strikes a chord with even the toughest of hearts. Yes, I cry in movies. Typically this happens in a private living room by myself or with loved ones. However, twice I have cried in perhaps the most embarrassing of situations. Let me explain.

Cry #1

About two weeks into a new sales job, I am sent off to the corporate office to take part in the official sales training workshop. Other sales people from across the country and I all gather together to be motivated, trained and inspired in classic sales training form. About half way through the first day, the presenter turns the lights low and puts in a movie. “Heh, its ‘Rudy’” I thought to myself absently. Specifically, we watched the scene where Rudy finally gets to play in a game. As the scene played out, I felt my emotions start to rise. Here is a glimpse into my internal dialogue:

“What? Are you going to cry during ‘Rudy’? Have you ever even seen this movie all the way through? You can’t cry. Dude. You cannot cry. You are in a room full of half-strangers at a work function. No tears. Quick, think of something stupid, or gross, or funny. OK, that was a tear I just felt on my cheek. I hate you.”

It’s true, it was too late, Rudy’s determination in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles was too much for me to handle. Luckily I didn’t bawl, just teared up a bit. Nothing a few sleeve wipes couldn’t take care of before the lights came back on.

Cry #2

One of my favorite forms of service is donating platelets at the ARUP blood center. Those who have donated blood before will understand the setting. An open room full of reclining medi-chairs all facing each other in a circle. Medical staff sits at a large table in the middle to monitor the patients. Now, it is important to note there is a big difference between donating blood and platelets. Platelets take about 90 minutes to complete, and the blood is actually drawn, processed and reinserted in your body. On this particular trip, I was on an older machine so I had a needle in each arm. Because you have needles and tubes full of blood coming for them, you are not allowed to move your arms. Understandably. Because the donation process takes up to 90 minutes, platelet donors get to watch a movie at their chair. I love this part. Not too many acts of service come with an inflight movie. On this occasion my choice was ‘Click’. Yes, the Adam Sandler movie. Have you seen it? The end is legitimately sad. Self-introspective even. Well I introspected and I cried. Big tears. Not sniffly snobs, but a pretty steady flow of tears. Now remember how I can’t move my arms? No way to wipe away the sadness. I have no choice but to let the tears run their course down my cheeks. I made a few futile efforts to wipe my eyes with my shoulder, but the vision of blood squirting needles shooting out of my arms really limited my range of motion. So I cried. I cried during an Adam Sandler movie at the blood donation center. I like to pretend nobody noticed.

I am glad I got that off my chest. And while I am at it, let me also say I have had my fair share of movies that “should” have made me cry but didn’t. ‘Charlie’ and ‘The Notebook’ are the most notable. Mrs. Gravy is certain this is a sign of my hardening heart, but that just isn’t true.  Mrs. Gravy might also try and tell you that I once cried during a Hillary Duff movie, but that is just ridiculous.

What’s the most embarrassing cry-movie experience you have ever had? Please share in the comments below!

Spotty Spandex

Why do we say leh-purd for Leopard and lee-uh-tard for Leotard? Shouldn’t it be lee-uh-pard and lee-uh-tard or lee-uh-purd and lee-uh-turd? How about leh-purd and leh-turd? Or even leh-pard and leh-tard?

What’s your favorite? Try using the phrase: “Excuse me, sir, where can I find your large leopard print leotards?” to help you decide.

Man vs. Car

Today I overheard a conversation coming from the safety department. One part of the conversation in particular caught my attention–they were discussing employee related auto accidents when someone said

“It is pretty much impossible for a person to win in a fight between a human and a car”

I held my tongue, but I can resist no longer. That statement is obviously not true. I believe I owe it to my childhood heros to stand up for what is right. On countless occasions, I was either a witness to, or first hand participant in the utter decimation of a vehicleat the hands of Ryu, Ken, Chun-li, or Guile. And not only did they destroy the car, they did it within 60 seconds, AND after already competing in several rounds of brutal hand to hand combat. So, Mr. Safety Guy, howsabout you get your facts straight before you start spitting out nonsense and labeling it truth. Otherwise, be prepared for a shoryuken to the face.

Disclaimer/Additional Notes:

• I didn’t mention Zangief– because he sucked.
• I didn’t mention E. Honda—because he sucked. Not as bad as Zangeif, but still.
• I didn’t mention Blanka or Dhalsim–because the safety department’s argument was that a man could not win a fight with a car. And although I am not clear on what either of them are, I am pretty sure neither is a human being. Regardless of what the storyline might claim.
• I didn’t mention characters from later versions of Street Fighter II—because I am a purist.
• With a few small changes, this post will also work against arguments such as:  “Ya right, nobody can throw a fireball”,  “It’s impossible to kick someone multiple times while spinning and being upside down.”  and “M. Bison on level 8 difficulty is too great of a fighter to be defeated without using a continue.”

Highs in the 60’s with a Chance of Pain

Things that are great:  How cool  the temperature is in the office today.

Things that are not great: Being distracted by talking about how cool the temperature is in the office today and running into a wall.

Underwear

Have you ever, inadvertently, put your underwear on inside out and not noticed until lunch time?  It has never happened to me, but I imagine that it could happen.

P.S.  The fact that this post was done around lunchtime has nothing to do with the subject matter.

Spelling Bee

I participated in my first and last spelling bee in the 5th grade.  Late in the first round, it was my turn.  I, along with about 5 other terrified kids stood infront of the firing squad entire 4th and 5th grade anxiously awaiting our word. The guy before me got “peanut”. Peanut? Seriously? Why don’t you just let him spell his own name? Then it was my turn. As the moderator’s mouth began to move, I just knew some gnarly word like Coronary Embelism was going to come out of his mouth. It didn’t. The word he ACUTALLY said was so simple, I almost didn’t believe him. Dolphin. That was my word. Would I like that in a sentence? No thanks, I think I can manage from here. Relieved that I was not going to fail in the first round, I proudly began spelling: “Dolphin, D-O-L-P-H-I-N…E…Dolphin” As the “E” was coming out of my mouth, my brain was saying “No you idiot! No E. There’s no E. Dolphine? Brilliant. Take it back! Take it Back” But as we all know, there are no take backs in a spelling bee. You leave it all out on the table, and that is what I did–infact, I left more than enough because thats how I roll. After the moderator told me I was wrong, I quickly went back to my seat and immediately began pretending that I messed up on purpose. What other choice did I have?

 Needless to say, I have not opted into a spelling bee since. Whats the point? I know I can spell, I don’t need to prove it to anyone, except for the word Dolphin. I take every opportunity to spell that word outloud.

 Bonus thought: Wouldn’t it be cool to see a celebrity spelling bee? Yes, you say? Say no more– I am proud to present the ultimate singing spelling bee featuring Fergie and Gwen Stefani. Enjoy. 

 

A Spoonfull of the Future

I have nothing against the present, and the past it just fine with me, but the future is definitely my favorite time period. Its the cool stuff that makes the future so impressive. Flying cars, reclining toilets, shiny silver one piece outfits, and Dippin’ Dots. That’s right, I said Dippin’ Dots.  It says right on the side of the cart: “The Ice Cream of the Future.” How cool is that? Ice cream from the future? I knew this “we don’t know how to time travel yet” talk was a load of malarky. Obviously time has been traveled, and the good folks at Dippin Dot’s are sharing in the futuristic goodness.

However, while Dippin’ Dot’s are great, availability is limited. This is a challenge. Purchasing the futuristic frozen balls from heaven is essentially restricted to theme parks, expos and fairs.

Keeping all of this in mind, moving forward I will refer to all entrance fees for expo’s, theme parks, and fairs as “Club Dippin’” cover charges. With this new frame of mind, I will feel more comfortable visiting the full range of events that come to town. Scrapapalooza 2009? You know I will be there. Southwest Ferret and Snake Expo? Semi-Annual Carrot Growers Association Awards Show? I will be there, keeping it real at the Dot cart, spooning my way into a double-d induced coma.

See you in the future.